From Outside the Game #2 Dial Legacy for Murder

(We open with the stage in full dark.)

Bullet: I have called you all here because Legacy’s death was not natural as you so wish I would believe, one of the people in this room is… a MURDERER!

(Everyone cries out astonished gasps and cries of protest as the lights come up. We can see a typical drawing room, several couches and chairs are arranged throughout it. Along the back is a picture window mostly covered by luxurious curtains, occasionally light will flash through the window from the storm raging outside. An antique grandfather clock sits in the corner, standing next to it is Private Detective T. Bullet, wearing a trench coat and fedora, his back is to the audience. Sitting in the chair to his left is an older stone-faced gentleman with a monocle and handlebar mustache, the Count de SCG. Sitting to his right is a young man in an expensive suit with a girl on each arm, the head of BAMF Associates, Mr BAMF. He is talking on a top of the line cell phone constantly, ignoring everyone else in the room. Next to BAMF on a separate couch is a man wearing a Roseanne t-shirt, WOTC, the grieving father. He is very emotional and can barely sit still. Near WOTC is Professor Little, he is wearing a stereotypical tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows, he is playing with a pipe that he never lights. Off to the far side sits a plain looking girl, Extended. No one pays the slightest attention to her. In the far back corner of the room are several Reporters, typing on laptops, taking pictures, etc. A bright flash of lightning and a crash shakes the stage as we begin.)

 SCG: How dare you accuse one of us of harming Legacy? Her death was a shock to all of us. Why would any of us want her dead?

 Bullet: A very good question count. You and Legacy were closer than Counterbalance and Sensei’s Diving Top weren’t you?

 SCG: Of course, I was her manager. We toured the country together.

 Bullet: Say, whatever happened to that last pretty thing you were touring the country with, Vintage was her name, wasn’t it?

 SCG: You know bloody well what happened to her. She died a few years back in a tragic accident.

 Bullet: You call an addiction to proxies an accident? You were the one who got her hooked on them did you not?

 SCG: I did not introduce her to them, no.

 Bullet: But you certainly pushed her along didn’t you? Like a commission based cell phone salesman on a guy walking around with a beeper. She was doing what, 5 proxies before you got involved? That quickly shot up to 10 at a whack did it not?

 SCG: It was a mistake, I thought it would help her out, help make her big time. Instead it destroyed her, I was devastated

 Extended: So devastated you barely waited until her corpse was cold to start your flirtations with Legacy.

 SCG: Shut up Extended. Even before Vintage’s death I saw the potential of Legacy and was making plans for her.

 Bullet: You made a lot of money off of both of them didn’t you?

 SCG: I am not a charity, of course I did. But I did not allow proxies anywhere near Legacy. I certainly was not going to allow that to happen again.

 Prof. Little: Instead you drove the prices up so fast no one could afford her anymore.

 SCG: Listen you little bugger, I had no choice but to raise the prices. I was running out of everything, I could not get the people what they needed. I had to buy more and fast or risk losing everything we had gained. So I upped the prices I would buy at and of course I had to up my selling price.

 Reporter: Running out? What about that vault full of dual lands and Forces of Will? Everyone knows you were you just trying to cash in.

 SCG: Why would I hold onto cards I could sell? Why would I buy more if I had a vault full of them? I needed those cards. Much like the Throat Wolf, tearing up a Chaos Orb and those random Power 9 foils accidentally put into packs of Coldsnap, that vault is an urban legend. It. Does. Not. Exist. If you are searching for a vault of expensive cards I suggest you check El Castillo de Medina, the home of Mr. BAMF. With Legacy gone I can not make any money on these cards, why would I want her gone? What would I have to gain?

 Bullet: Quite a bit if Overextended turns out to be real.

 Extended: What?

 Reporter: No one is talking to you. He is referring to your illegitimate sister, Overextended.

 Bullet: Correct. With Legacy gone the players would want a new eternal format wouldn’t they? And all of those players would need new cards wouldn’t they? And all of those borderline worthless cards would shoot up in value faster than Dark Depths when Hexmage was spoiled.

 SCG: First of all, there is no proof that Overextended even exists. It is just a rumor started up by those guys (points at the reporters) on a slow day. Why would I risk everything on a chance? It will take years before I will make any where near the money I could with Legacy.

 Bullet: Interesting point, if not you than maybe (Slowly moves his finger from person to person finally stopping on Mr. BAMF) YOU! Mr BAMF.

 BAMF: (on phone) Hold on Candelabras, sell Jace, buy as many Dingus Eggs as you can.

 Bullet: Mr. BAMF if you please!

 BAMF: (puts phone down) This had better good, time is money. Hey girls, why don’t you take the Lamborghinis for a spin and pick me up some boxes of Alliances. (He hands the girls the keys and they exit giggling.)

 Bullet: You realize you are never going to see them again?

 BAMF: No biggie. I have more.

 Bullet: The cars or the girls?

 BAMF: Both.

 Bullet: That is some lifestyle. All paid for off of Legacy?

 BAMF: Partly. Look, I know everyone thinks I made a fortune off of her, but it really is not like that at all. (Pulls a cigar and lighter out of his pocket along with a Magic card. Lights the card on fire and uses that to light the cigar.) I really am not that well off.

 Bullet: You do not call lighting cigars with foil Jace, The Mindsculpters well off?

 BAMF: It’s not like it was a Japanese one. Yeah I made money off of Legacy, I have never tried to hide that fact.

 Bullet: So you drained her then tossed her corpse aside like a booster wrapper before a draft.

 BAMF: Is making money suddenly a crime? Everyone wanted to make money off her, I just was smart enough to pull it off. I provide a needed service. I get people the cards they need. What use is her death to me? Now I am stuck with cards that are halving in value by the second. Does that sound like smart business to you? Now if you will excuse me I have to try to stop the bleeding. (starts talking on phone again).

 Bullet: HMMM, sounds to me like she was more valuable alive then dead to both of you. Perhaps much like brewers who try mono-black control ever single season I am looking in the wrong direction. The motive may not be financial. Perhaps the grieving parent can give us a fresh perspective? Mr WotC? Was Legacy a favorite child of yours?

 WotC: I loved all of my children equally as any parent does.

 Bullet: Really? You did not favor one over the other? Did not give more attention to one over the others?

 Extended: Of course he did…

 Everyone else: Shut up Extended, no one cares.

 WotC: Well, Block is the new baby, it needs lots of attention, and of course Standard is so involved in everything that we have to keep a close eye on her…

 Extended: and ignore the rest of us.

 WotC: We have given you makeover after makeover, we give you everything that is too out of date for Standard. We try to make people like you, they just won’t.

 Bullet: What about your older children?

 WotC: Vintage is old enough to not really need us anymore, she can pretty much take care of herself.

 Bullet: What about Legacy? Suddenly so popular? Not quite ready to take care of herself was she?

 WotC: Look, it is like in that episode of Roseanne when Roseanne had to talk Darlene into going off to college. Sometimes you have to let you kids go, try the world. I certainly did not think nor want her to die.

 SCG: But you would not do the one bloody thing that would save her would you?

 WotC: (looks around the room quickly) I do not know what you are talking about.

 SCG: You know darn well what I am referring to. Get rid of the bloody reserve list that chocked the life off of her. All you had to do was reprint the necessary cards and she would have been saved. You had the power and you refused.

 WotC: You know we could not do that. It was impossible. Whether or not it would have made a difference it was impossible.

 Bullet: You know you could save her and yet like a douche bag in a game of commander you did nothing? Why didn’t you just do it?

 WotC: Well…(the sound of a gun hammer clicking into place is heard behind him) we promised we wouldn’t. So we couldn’t. We said what we meant and we meant what we said. Wizards is faithful one hundred percent. Besides that card availability did not kill Legacy.

 Bullet: I’ll bite. What did then?

 WotC: Restrictions breed creativity. People without cards could easily find other options if they so desired. Legacy died because of people like Professor Little spending so much of their time predicting her death that it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Everyone was so busy discussing her death they did not bother to appreciate her life.

 Bullet: What do you say Professor Little?

 Little: I never predicted Legacy’s death, I was merely trying to warn everyone about the bubble getting ready to burst, that the prices were being inflated by that guy (points at SCG). When he jacked up his buylist he started a frenzy. It was a money grab pure and simple. I have charts and figures proving it.

 BAMF: He did what he had to and all of your data is based on flawed premises. You were trying to force advanced economic principles into a place they did not belong. Your cries of “the bubble is bursting the bubble is bursting” scared away all of our customers. Prices would have continued to go up, then fallen and bounced back and forth except you scared everyone away.

 Little: You are looking at the data the wrong way, the prices were not where they should have been, they were pushed. No one could afford Legacy anymore.

 Bullet: Enough! You two will obviously never agree on this. However, I do not think you had enough influence to kill Legacy. Count SCG and Mr. BAMF will lose more money due to her death then they will make and although WotC did not save her, they did not kill her either. (A flash of lightning through the window reveals a shadow behind the curtain.)

 SCG: Then who killed her? (Another flash and a woman steps from behind the curtain holding a gun)

 Legacy: No one. I will outlive you all. (The lights go out and a shot is heard).

 Email me pureval at earthlink dot net

Twitter @pureval 

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Posted on April 28, 2011, in From Outside the Game. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I loved this. It was excellent. It should be posted on more websites.

  2. instant classic. get an editor to clean it up and it’s gold. relevant NOW. needs to get out there NOW.

  3. This was a fantastic read. Way to push the envelope for format.

  4. I am glad you guys enjoyed this article so much, I was really nervous about it. Thank you for the comments.

  5. Bradley Rose

    I was blown away. I got chills at the end. I agree with the above. This needs to get out there. Also, I laughed out loud at the “restrictions breed creativity” line.

    Cheers,

    Brad

  6. Though I did not get every reference, I did get the gist of it and that was pure gold. Those Extended jokes too.

  7. Hilarious, relevant, AND worth reading in a rare event for Magic writing in general. I also liked the twist ending a great deal.

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